The Anatomy of a Brawl… by Steph Muraro

Ah yes. It appears the Rockford IceHogs have once again found themselves at the center of a rock ‘em, sock ‘em bench brawl, this time, against the Grands Rapids Griffins. Let us take a moment to remember when it happened last time, which was conveniently against the Milwaukee Admirals at the Bradley Center. This time, they (and by “they” I mean “the entire flippin’ team”) dropped the gloves in their barn (see what I did there? IceHogs. Barn. Boom).

I had a chance to watch a couple clips of the rumble on the ol’ YouTube. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful specialty jerseys the team was wearing. Guys, it’s bad enough you have a cartoon pig that is chewing on a hockey stick as your logo. But seriously? You couldn’t hold it together on a night you are dressed in pink? IT WAS PINK IN THE RINK NIGHT FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD! Nothing says “Let’s rally ’round and raise money for cancer research” like beating the crap out of the opposition, eh?

I digress. Before I take you through a few frames with commentary, let’s quickly review what the game summary looks like for the 11-6 Griffins win (yes, you read that correctly. 11-6 folks).

screen-capture-10To the left, you’ll notice a screen shot of the list of penalties from the game. Note that I had to SCROLL to see the entire list, and that what I could get in a screen shot was just for the second period alone, and that doesn’t even cover the second period!

In total, the two teams racked up a total of 230 penalty minutes. To put that in perspective, the Milwaukee Admirals have 469 penalty minutes IN 39 GAMES! And congratulations ‘Hogs! You are now the only team in the entire league to crack quadruple digits in the PIM column. You must be very proud.

Moving on. I reviewed the video with a close and sarcastic eye, and with the help of this ancient book of hockey rules and regulations, I shall explain to you what went wrong to cause the two benches to clear. No, you cannot see the ancient book, as it is actually a scroll, and it is practically crumbling because it is so, well, ancient. I believe the melee that erupted was that of a perfect storm of sacred rules being broken.

screen-captureRule #29 – Thou Shall Not Touch Thy Hair

I don’t think I need to get too indepth with this rule. as Carter Hutton (circled) is clearly having his right to a perfect coif violated by Petr Mrazek.

screen-capture-2Rule #68 – Thou Shall Not Be A Douche

Clearly the gentleman clenching his head is done proving his manhood. Call it a day, sir in pink. The man doesn’t have a helmet on, nor access to a white flag to wave.

screen-capture-9Rule #143 – Thou Shall Not Make a Linesmen Sandwich

That’s right. there is a linesman pinned between a hog and a griffin. It’s uncalled for if you ask me. I can’t tell which one it is, but God Bless America if it is Al Stensland.

mr+belvedere copyRule #198 – Al Stensland Looks Like Mr. Belvedere

Okay, so that isn’t in the rules scroll, but seriously, doesn’t Al bear a striking resemblance to Mr. B?


screen-capture-5Rule #232 – Did thou read Rule #29? THOU SHALL NOT TOUCH THY HAIR!

All i have to say is if someone comes after my hair, I’d be kicking their hinder to next Tuesday. That’s just not right.

screen-capture-6Rule #348 – Thou Shall Remember There Are Children in Thy Crowd

Draw your own conclusion.


screen-capture-8Rule #377 – Thou Shall Be Aware of the ‘Too Many Men on the Ice’ Rule

Seriously, I count 12 guys in pink in this picture alone. See the circle? That’s all that belongs out there.

screen-capture-3Rule #401 – When All Else Fails, Thou Shall Hug it Out

A warm embrace extends the olive branch to the opposition. Plus, everybody loves hugs.

And finally, the rule that I think is what caused this entire melee to happen in the first place:

Rule #500 – On Wednesdays we wear pink.

The game was on Saturday.

There’s your dagger. Enjoy your 6-game vacation Mr. Flick.



One response to “The Anatomy of a Brawl… by Steph Muraro

  1. too funny…..loved it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s